Why what we know about sex often doesn't work
(First published in 2017 in the Saturday Star)
Unlearning what we think we know about sex
We spend years developing habits, many of them serve us, and some of them definitely do not.
I’m an Intimacy Coach, I help with improving the intimate lives of couples, with a special focus on long term relationships. What I’ve seen, time and time again, is that our sexual patterning tends to destroy our chances at long term desire and great sexual intimacy.
I recently wrote an E-Book, about one of the biggest habit and patterning issues I run into with my work.
The biggest problem with these patterns? Most of those patterns were formed for the short term in puberty.
Let’s start with men. Men start masturbating sometime in puberty, and the pattern is friction based, and often geared towards being “fast ‘n furious” so that they don’t get caught! There’s so much shame surrounding self- pleasuring anyway, so the idea of getting caught when you’re a youngster going through these changes in your body is terrifying!
The human body is magnificently designed to give us a burst of dopamine when we orgasm (and it’s one of the most addictive chemicals in our bodies) and when it’s not balanced out with oxytocin (from gentle, slow touch) it becomes the goal every time.
Men generally have this pattern for 4-7 years before even engaging intimately with another person!
So, what happens when they eventually engage in sex? The same pattern replicated in actual sexual penetration. This technique is fine for procreating, but really useless for long term satisfaction and connection.
Some men along the way pick up some “foreplay” from porn, it’s often inaccurate, because it assumes that the female body responds the same way to genital based friction as the male body, and the bottom line is, after the initial adrenaline based sex in the beginning of a relationship, that technique no longer works, and can actually become painful and irritating.
Then let’s look at the patterning we ALL get from porn.
It’s where most of us see “sex” for the first time, and so we consider this fantasy/visual style of sex to be the norm.
What does it glorify? Contractive orgasms and friction based sex.
It shows women having orgasms from friction based orgasms within minutes. The chances of that happening in real life are pretty slim.
Women learn to fake orgasm so that they can resemble the actresses in their reactions, as they have no idea of how their bodies are supposed to react.
Without certain techniques it takes a woman 27 minutes to be fully aroused. Most sexual experiences don’t exceed 15mins
Pornography doesn’t teach anything about what the body actually requires as sensual nutrition.
We are starting to become incredibly mindful in so many areas of our lives, so many are engaging with meditation, life coaching, deeper awarenesses of our humanity and community, and yet, a mindful understanding of our sexuality is still too taboo for many people.
Because we are all patterned to run on quick fixes and adrenaline, and to only pay attention when we are seeing our relationships fall apart, when we are having affairs or separating, when we are in pain.
Pain is one of the most difficult times to learn about how to have a pleasure filled intimate life filled with desire and love, because of its very nature.
It’s also nearly impossible to learn new techniques when you are in the middle of the emotional storm that comes with betrayal or separation.
Pain is contractive.
Really great pleasure and desire tends to sit in connection and relaxation. (With an occasional adrenaline burst for spark)
The thing is with contraction and adrenaline is you tend to need more and more to get the same result.
The same doesn’t apply to relaxation and mindfulness. The more you are in those spaces, the more benefit you receive.
So, are you ready to unlearn old patterns and try something new? Or are you going to wait until there’s a serious problem sexually in your relationship first?
With the advent of on - line learning you can completely revolutionize your intimate relationship safely and comfortably from your own home
It’s not your fault you have those patterns, they are built in from what society teaches us, and what we’ve patterned from puberty.
But they don’t have to stay.
That’s your choice.
(A.Clulow)