Why it's important to trust your relationship & get out of your comfort zone!
(First published in 2017 in the Saturday Star)
Human psychology is fascinating, and as an Intimacy and Relationship Coach I’m often reading and researching ways to find more efficient ways to work with my clients.
There’s some real lightbulb moments with much of the psychological understanding of why humans do the things they do, a glorious understanding of patterns of behavior that can lead to significant changes in health and happiness.
Except when human beings don’t want to change, even when change would serve them. That’s a mode of behavior too.
It’s called Loss Aversion.
Human beings, most often, when faced with a choice of “losing” something that was already there, have a stronger attachment to that, than gaining a much greater reward at a later stage.
Unfortunately, when translated into relationships, this means we’d rather leave things the way they are, than take a perceived chance of losing things the way that they currently are.
Taking this a step further, many couples would rather have a sex life that’s lacking, than move into different forms of communication and skill – sets to actually get what they would like in their intimate sexual lives.
Why people have affairs
We wonder why someone who loves us could have an affair instead of actually communicating their sexual needs, getting help and advice early on instead of reaching outside the primary relationship, it seems impossible to understand, until we understand the psychology behind it
Loss Aversion
It’s a basic part of human nature, and it’s holding us back. There’s a way to still have what we’ve already got, and also grow into having more. When we choose to trust the love we have with our partner, and rock the boat by talking about the parts of our relationship that could improve, before it becomes any sort of insurmountable problem, it can only improve the relationship.
Let’s face it, if you start communicating more, and learning more, and have loads more pleasure and your partner doesn’t like that, you will run into trouble in your relationship anyway.
I see this most often in long term relationships, there’s an aversion to losing the relationship in its first incarnation, which may have actually been developed with the emotional and sexual tools of very young people, who are still following those patterns and skill sets, even though it’s no longer fulfilling the needs of that relationship.
Adapt or drift away
We are not the same people in our 20’s as we are in our 40’s.
So, why do we expect our relationship structuring and communication to be the same?
We learn and grow in our careers, our children change and grow, and yet we don’t do a wellness and growth assessment on our relationships.
This is the time in the relationship where the greatest amount of positive change can happen, because in most cases you actually can rock the boat and trust the love because the bonds and experiences are present from years of being together!
Learn how to let go & grow
You can also see this in small children. Try and take away a favoured old security blanket, even when you have a bright shiny new toy to swap it out with, and you’ll meet resistance. Add the shiny new thing and allow them to keep the security blanket, resistance is replaced with interest, curiosity and excitement!
The same goes with relationships. You add ingredients and methods to change that are fun and pleasurable, without taking away any of the current structures.
This creates the space to let certain patterns go because they are replaced with structures that have more benefit, without ever feeling like there’s a period of loss before the period of gain.
When that comes to your intimate life, that little rock of the boat could feel insurmountable, yet can bring so much more pleasure and love in.
I have clients that have finally experienced libido improvement, more orgasmic pleasure, sometimes reaching internal orgasms for the first time, improving stamina and even having multiple orgasms for men, and they often say “I wish I’d learned this years ago”
I often have someone that finds my coaching website, we chat on Skype, they are interested in learning skills, expanding the relationship, moving into heightened states of pleasure and awareness, and then they shut the coaching process down because they just don’t know how to tell their partner they’re interested in improving the wellness and growth of their relationship, they are afraid their partner will feel judged or become angry because they want to improve the relationship.
It just feels easier to leave things the way they are.
But is it?
One conversation that may feel a little awkward, which could lead to a greatly improved and very pleasurable intimate life for both partners is a very tiny investment when you’re looking at the big picture.
Rock the boat, trust the love.
(A.Clulow)